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capricious_and_hypocritical
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Name: Maddie
Location: Ohio, United States
Gender: Female
Interests: Theatre, creative writing, bowling, cooking, hamsters, vegetarian food, and a capella music.
Expertise: I guess you could say that I'm a boss on the stage. Not quite a professional (yet), but I'm getting there.
Occupation: N/A.
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
Member Since:
4/9/2006
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| Did I just sound like Mac from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia with the title of this entry? Hehehe, I can almost hear him rushing into Paddy's in a frenzied flurry of emotion, announcing whatever piece of news to The Gang.
In short, I'm proud of the title of this entry.
I didn't think that such an important blog, one that carries so much magnitude, would come along so early in the re-introduction of my Xanga. But I am elated. I screamed for about ten minutes when I found out.
Anyways, I received some major news last night. Now I realize that basic courtesy dictates that I can't just announce "I have news!" and then refuse to tell my dedicated readers what, exactly, said news entails. However, it really is still in the developmental stages, and I refuse to psych everyone up and then not have anything transpire. Because that would be bad.
Also, I love how I refer to said news by saying that I'm going to "psych everyone up". I'm really not. The aforementioned news, (although it is definitely good news), doesn't really benefit anyone other than myself. So, I guess it's just Maddie-related news.
(But this is capricious_and_hypocritical, after all! It's Maddie Lance Rant Central, so ramble I shall.)
But... I have a *possible* opportunity to make something really incredible happen. It's something that I've wanted for a very long time; something that should have transpired a few months ago. I figured I'd have to wait and that this particular good thing would come along at a time in the not-too-distant future, but having to wait even five minutes was giving me a serious case of the oh-my-gosh-hurry-up-I-just-can't-sit-stills. And then suddenly, *SHABANG!* something really good happens.
I still need to work out a lot of the fine details. It needs to be talked about and thought about and then thought over some more. But it is good. And life is about making the most of every possible opportunity, no? So I'm thinking I should just take this particular opportunity and run with it.
~Maddie
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| Hi, Xangans and other readers! Welcome to Late September 2011. Let's take a look at where I am: technically, this is the first semester of my freshman year of college. And technically, I go to Cabrini College, which is right outside of Philadelphia, in gorgeous, suburban Radnor, Pennsylvania. But (due to unforeseen circumstances -- and trust me, I REALLY didn't see said circumstances coming), I'm still in the tiny town of Garfield Heights, Ohio. (Just for the semester. Come January, I'm gone). I have mixed feelings about my current whereabouts.
Let me make this clear: I'm a sucker for fall nostalgia no matter where I am. Even though fall is actually my least favorite season, I choose to embrace every month for the ambiance that it brings. I'm just a little bummed that I'm still here based on one key defining factor, which brings me to my next point:
Re: High School.
High school sucked. Granted, it sucked for most of the population. But I mean, I'm gonna give you the abbreviated run-down (because, apparently, I enjoy sharing my dirty laundry with whomever will take the time to read this. FACT.) Leaving Laurel (arguably the best place in the history of human existence) kind of set me into a whole spectrum of emotions. Online school really did suck. It didn't work for me. The last time I was sincerely happy was August 2007. From there, through freshman year, I was hopeful and then a little disappointed. By sophomore year (probably my rock bottom), I was so caught up in being sad. Junior year (a little less rock bottom-y) left me angry, slightly more aware and less numb, and a little more cynical. Senior year was a bit of a turn-around. I found Parkside (read: BIGGEST. BLESSING. EVER), joined a small group, grew closer to God, and was able to take comfort in the fact that I now knew that sometimes, those obstacles are there to help you grow. It doesn't mean that they don't suck, because they're still tough to deal with. I wish that my faith in God had been as intense all throughout high school, as opposed to just senior year. I could have avoided a lot of unnecessary frustration. Now, let me just say: I don't think my previous inclinations to "not handle things very well", were a mark of insincere Christianity, just immature Christianity. I'd never really known any better. But yeah, like I said, learning experiences. I was still a mixture of stressed and bummed up until graduation, but not nearly to the degree that I had been. Man, I would have given ANYTHING to have taken the first step and walked into Parkside during the first week of my freshman year as opposed to the first week of my senior year. And, perhaps the most valuable thing after my newly discovered strength in God, was the fact that I now had friends who I actually wanted to spend time with. Of course, I was still very good friends with the Laurel girls, but I didn't get the chance to see them very often. These were friends that I got to see EVERY WEEK!
After graduation rolled around, I became a lot happier a lot faster. I felt like my new relief was even reflected in the fact that I lost some weight and didn't look quite as... visibly stressed all the time. I was happy. I AM happy.
The last word that I have about high school (and I'm still pretty certain that this actually is a good thing), was that even though I lost a lot of my faith in people, I never lost faith in myself. I never stopped liking myself. The sentiment was mostly summed up in the statement, "Help! I'm drowning in a sea of idiots". I didn't really like many of the people that I was around. Thankfully I started going to SI and I found people that I actually wanted to spend time with. (I also learned that referring to people as "idiots" really isn't the nicest thing to do. I'm still working on my sympathy skills, but I've made some serious strides).
MELEE INTERLUDE!
"I've been tripping over all the rules/Living my life somebody else's way/I've been sinking on this ship of fools/Following orders that I can't obey..."
But, going back to the present: I'm savoring every second of this season, looking for a job for the next few months, packing for college, and trying to write (when I'm not faced with painful bouts of writer's block). In a nutshell: things are pretty darn spiffy.
Anyway (after that loooong intro), I'd like to point out that the other entries (all of my previous blogs) are GONE. They've been privatized; they are now and forever for my eyes only.
The main reason that the old blogs are gone is following in the same vein as the "New Year, New You" sentiment. I've never been a really firm believer in "New Year, New You" -- I usually lose momentum after about two weeks -- but I figured this year, I'd give it a pretty determined go.
Reason number two: in the margins of the planner that I bought for college, (Thanks, University Chic!) there was a quote that went something like, "whoever you were in high school, it doesn't matter anymore". Now, hopefully, even though old habits die hard, that is at least somewhat true. There are, of course, some things about High School Maddie that I like to maintain: her wit, her uncommon resilience. But by and large, I can admit that I pretty much did suck. So, I'm going to alter the quote a bit: "whoever you were in high school, it doesn't have to be relevant anymore if you don't want it to". So I'm going to revert back to a new person:
Just me, who I am now (which is sort of an "eh" personality) plus some of my retained strength from high school, plus a healthy dose of Maddie circa Laurel, because she was awesome.
Sometimes I feel like thirteen-year-old me is looking at seventeen-year-old me, shaking her head, and yelling "WHERE ARE YOUR COJONES?! MADDIE LANCE DOES NOT GET KNOCKED DOWN THIS EASILY!"
Middle School Awesome Maddie does not really like High School Irrational Maddie and sometimes has tiffs with Gap Semester Pacifist Maddie. Middle School Awesome Maddie wants to be the Maddie that shows up at Cabrini in January, taking all of her newfound skills with her and leaving all of her neurotic messes behind.
Reason three for the privatization (this is probably the most inflammatory reason; sorry guys): first of all, let me make it clear that I did not, do not, and never will regret any of the entries that I posted on here. At one point or another, they were all the truest, most pure essence of my emotions. Most of it was dirty laundry, but none of it was really "personal". Nonsensical rambling rants, yes. Personal, no. If it had been, I wouldn't have put it on a public Xanga to begin with.
However, they are gone because I often didn't use the best judgment. Thankfully none of those entries ever came back to bite me, but I was often hasty in the things that I said. Also, the entries were littered with profanities; not really something I'm proud of. Opinions change. Old ones sometimes become irrelevant. What's gone is gone, the past is the past.
HAIRSPRAY INTERLUDE!
"What's gone is gone/The past is the past/So turn the radio up/And let's hit the gas/Because I know we've come so far/But we've got so far to go..."
Also, keep in mind that my head was clouded and I wasn't really thinking straight. I was depressed. I was sick. I'm not trying to explain/justify/rationalize anything that I said, it's just WHAT IT IS. I was in a pretty bad place.
Finally, the name, "capricious_and_hypocritical" was invented by Middle School Awesome Maddie as a way to lighten her own mood and poke fun at herself. After all, if you can't make fun of yourself, where are you? It's a nice ability. I've entertained the idea of changing it because I'm certain some people find it rather unusual, but am slightly opposed to this because of two things: 1. First of all, it's been six years. I'm kind of attached to the name. And 2. It still pretty much is the essence of me. But if I do decide to change it, I will post an explanatory entry.
To those readers who have followed with me (general nod in the direction of the friends that I've had since seventh and eighth grades) -- thank you. You guys... are just cool, and I appreciate the fact that you've paid attention to my ramblings.
SYDNEY WHITE INTERLUDE!
"Gurkin, no one reads your whiny blog anyway." "Peoplespunisher.com is not about being READ, it's about being WRITTEN!"
Anyway, the essence of this post is "New Year, New You", and that's what the entries will mostly be about. I hope you enjoy my new and improved Xanga! Thanks, everyone! I love you all!
~Maddie | | |
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